Love’s toughest lessons-

Piles of papers scattered all over my table, waiting to be organized. Every day every other task adds up, now they all become a mountain of responsibities. I just can’t get away with it.

In my room this is nothing but an ordinary view. I’m not good at cleaning, that the only thing left for myself to do in our house (which is cleaning my own room) is now done by someone else.

But the irony is, no matter how guesome it does look, I still find peace in my room. Comfort, that no matter how disorganized things are, I can sit and rest, stand and do nothing and not get tired, or just lie, and think how will I live the next day, or surmise what I feel, or doubt.

In my room I find peace. I find quiet.

Now I am in my room, I am disturbed. I don’t know why. Or maybe I know, but I can’t say. You don’t need to know all of this anyway.
————-
I can’t dare say that I have mastered the art of love. In fact, I have had my heart broken for so many times just because I loved. And when my heart gets broken, my whole me just falls apart. Apart – like losing someone very imporant to you, that you just can’t seem to get through, that the only thing that will make you temporary okay is by listening to a song you fully relate to. No, not mastered, had I done that then I would not have any problems dealing with it.

And maybe it’s already usual that we get love’s toughest (and best) lessons by the time that we lose it. I do not say that I don’t have it right now (tsismis) but for the sake of those who are, unfortunately, unfortunate (naks ang babaw).

Here’s what I can tell you.

First, you have to be compatible. i don’t know, but no matter how great your love for each other is, if you seem to be apart when you are together, when you can’t seem to have a topic to talk to, if opening up at least a topic is too hard for you, then it won’t work. How do you measure your compatibility? I don’t really know. I guess it’s not even that compelling to notice. just observe and you will find out.

Just be honest, but don’t be too much. Honesty is the answer to all things. You can’t have a partner if you’re too much of a lie. You won’t even have one if you won’t say your feelings. Don’t be afraid to do so because even A WORD will make or break you. This one is directed to either guys or girls. Stereotypes are over I say, and don’t make that an excuse to not say your feelings. For partners, honesty could lead you to two things, positive and negative. But remember that loving is not just accepting you you partner is, but also on accepting who he/she is NOT.

Be sensitive, intuitive. Just follow your instincts. But don’t make a big deal out of everything. You don’t need each other to tell you that you have to understand each other because it is already given, and it should be the way. Take a look at everything on two perspectives: your perpective and your partner’s. Yes, people seem to get a little self centered and immature on thinking only his or her reasons and battle out on that conviction alone. Everyone has his or her own side and it should be explained no matter how wrong or right you think that is just because you are in a relationship that involves the TWO of you, not only yourself.

Get things straight to the point. I seem to have a problem with insenstive people. People who do not care about other people’s feelings. I know they have some queries too but Lord, how will I ever understand if It won’t be said. JUST SAY IT. Ok haha that’s too much.

Weigh things out. Like a said, if you only think of yourself, if you’re too egoistic to look only at your own selfish perspective then don’t commit. It hurts your partner not being appreciated, or not being given the worth that he/she deseves.

Give, but not too much. This is the lesson I have been wanting to learn but can’t. Anyway, love yan eh. Ok, whatever.

Just go for it. How would you know that a thing is wrong? HOW. What are your justifications? Strict ang parents? Ayaw ng friends? Ayaw ng society? The problem lies with the fact that we worry too much. Try nyo muna kaya haha.

Ayan na. Later na lang yung dagdag.

^^^^ di na updated!

di na updated banner ko. It’s like, 2005 pa. haha Mas gwapo [hot] na ko ngayon. haha

THE NEW REALITY

My last column. Probably.

April 24th, 2009 by traitor-19

The New Reality

Zipping a cream-based iced coffee from a plastic glass much bigger than my life, with only myself – I often thought, being alone is nice, because when you are, you realize how miserable your life is – alone and unaccompanied by anyone. I, for one, may have all the pleasure of enjoying the luxuries of life; drinking coffee as expensive as my shirt and pants combined so to speak, but still hear the sound of discontent linger inside my ears. It is deafening that I can’t almost hear anything. I don’t want to live in mockery, but as far as I am concerned, mockery is the new reality.

I am currently counting the days being unproductive. As it turns out, I have been fruitless for twenty years, and counting. A week after graduating college I still have not come to terms of realizing any time that I have become worthy to others. Graduating only fulfils the self, and generally, the fifteen years of sacrificing (or studying, whatever you call it) to do some things you want and most things you did not for the sake of getting that piece of paper called diploma that in the end still needs to be paid for some bucks means everything for others, but does not guarantee anything, and for me, doesn’t mean a thing. Maybe, to my parents, it will only mean a thing if you have given them what they have given you for your entire life – food, shelter, clothing, love, money, suffering, and that long want of kicking you out of their house, and into your own.

In some places like the United States, the possibly of having a car even when you only finish high school is high. Even when one did not step it she can. One can even be an international pop sensation at sixteen. Here you can have all the academic recognition and still, have no job and be a bum. My point is, studying and learning are two different things. Learning is done through many different ways; the best of it is experiencing reality. Reality is when you step outside, outside of anything – of your room, of your school, of your institution, of your comfort zone, of your life.

I don’t want to talk about how exciting graduating from college is, because it is not. It makes you vulnerable to all sorts of things; it is a pathway towards anxieties, discomforts and troubles. Because after you marched that aisle with your toga up and proud, after finishing your academic course, if you will not have any definitive plans of where to go, for yourself to become part of the world you are living in, you will be stuck.

Despite that, I still feel proud.

TIRELESS

April 23rd, 2009 by traitor-19

I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been tryin’ to be lately.

A shark swimming terribly in its own sea. Wanting so see things his way, but does not, could not. An eagle, has all the bravery of being the king of the space in the middle of heaven and earth, but is slightly uncomforable. A flower still not ready to bloom, if he’s real pretty. But he is not. He is awkward, obnoxious at times, and nervous.

All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind.

Nocturnal, that’s what I am. Always finds peace in the midst of darkness, that’s who. Has plenty, maybe a drum full of thoughts in his brain, that only spills when it’s night, when he is alone and drifting away, spacing out of the reality.

He also loves to walk. Really serious walking is what he does. Five kilometers daily? That ain’t a joke. When he walks he achieves that one thing that is so hard to attain he places it second to losing weight – PEACE. He finds peace in evey step that he walks, in every street, corner or highway that he sees.

I’m tired of looking round rooms trying what I have to do or who I am supposed to be.

People love him more because he does not pretend to be the person the he is not than being the person that he his. Pretending is not his game, that’s why he hates pretentious people. For him they all suck, and they all suck hard! So SUCKERS suck it, hard!!

I don’t want to be anything other than me.

is what I am trying so say.

Woooshoooo

Looking In

Looking in. April 30th, 2009 by traitor-19

The last time I talked to my closest guy friends was not so long ago. We talked about many different things. Pure talking, perhaps, that’s the only thing we could to to “patch” things up. Because we were not, or not fully, “patched” up. Anyway, as our discussion went further on, the talk becomes deeper as we tackled our dreams, our hopes and our future, if we have.

When you see a star, you see one, if not, you barely notice. Finding your purpose in life isn’t as easy as recognizing one star. But of course, the rewards of the two aren’t even equal. Some seconds of happiness for seeing the glaring star up in the sky will be felt, but a lifetime of fulfillment will be achieved once you found youself, and your purpose. I realized the most serious conversations that I had was one with JEFFREY and AYE. I talked to them about some of the most serious issues of my life, those which I really do not understand, or understand, but I need more explanations to from people that know me very well.

When I look inside myself I see a happy content person. That’s not true. Looking out, one will never know the real me. Yeah, happy, but cries a thousand tears, one that lives in insecurities.

Real, but empty.

Real, but empty.

Circles

Start of a whole new month for me. Honestly, I still have not planned my life’s blueprint – it is still whatever happens happens. For the past few weeks I felt like everything had been a go-round, less the merry.
I can honestly say that I am losing the drive, that one I always have when I do something new. The passion to continue and the will to be inspired – the loud scream of enjoyment is weakening, slowly turning into whispers that seek for another means to be motivated, another path to be inspired. I am slowly losing it.
I am working but to what do in work for?
I am living but what is my sense in this world?
I don’t want to be just another man existing.
Just because I have a LIFE. Don’t get me wrong.
I am thankful because I am still living.
I just want to know my worth so that when I die
I will be proud because I know I did something.

Or maybe I just need someone.

I shall continue livin’ until I find why I am alive.
I don’t want to work thinking that it’s okay for me to do otherwise, just because there isn’t any difference between working and be a bum for life

There are reasons why things happen.
I just don’t know what those are yet.

Circles

Start of a whole new month for me. Honestly, I still have not planned my life’s blueprint – it is still whatever happens happens. For the past few weeks I felt like everything had been a go-round, less the merry.
I can honestly say that I am losing the drive, that one I always have when I do something new. The passion to continue and the will to be inspired – the loud scream of enjoyment is weakening, slowly turning into whispers that seek for another means to be motivated, another path to be inspired. I am slowly losing it.
I am working but to what do in work for?
I am living but what is my sense in this world?
I don’t want to be just another man existing.
Just because I have a LIFE. Don’t get me wrong.
I am thankful because I am still living.
I just want to know my worth so that when I die
I will be proud because I know I did something.

Or maybe I just need someone.

I shall continue livin’ until I find why I am alive.
I don’t want to work thinking that it’s okay for me to do otherwise, just because there isn’t any difference between working and be a bum for life

There are reasons why things happen.
I just don’t know what those are yet.

SEX

I blogged about sex for like, a thousand times already. For those times I have really been so bleak, since SEX is something that is so profound, the term itself conceives vagueness because just like about every other topic, it is bound to create so much opinions from about anyone.

Right now I don’t even know what about SEX to talk to. Probably I should just state my view on the issue of Katrina Halili and Hayden Kho’s SEX video. Oh yeah, that one, that – that has been (over)sensationalized and overly discussed that I could not almost help myself but to, uhm, take a peek. haha :p

Well, the fuss that it had created was not so much because of the sex video itself, but because of the involved people’s status in the society, in the Philippine society so to speak. Hayden Kho is a medical practicioner, and is the partner of the known surgeon (or doctor) of celevrities Vicky Belo. No fuss about it, only that Vicky Belo is much older, and the relationship is considerd a May-December love offair.

Katrina Halili is one of the hottest (sexiest) female artist here, who got in trouble when she (I don’t really know so PLEASE don’t sue me if I ever wrote something wrong ) had an “affair” with Hayden. That was an issue like, a year ago.

And then, here comes the sex video. I have watched it. And just like any other sex video that I have seen, this is just ordinary, they, Katrina and Hayden, aren’t. They are both in the limelight of popularity and are both publicly known.

The issue about women being inferior to the society (to the Philippine society) and the issue of morality, of the nation not having any laws against these videos proliferating through internet and pirated cds are the concerns why it was tackled all over the mainstream media. The first that I told, I guess, is already obsolete. I don’t know what about MORALITY is they are talking about since my personal view is really very uhm, skeptic and so I really don’t care. On the third and fourth one, those are MAJOR concerns that should be taken notice not only by us but by the Government, specifically the Congress.

My only concern is this: WHY ONLY NOW that everyone should make SERIOUS moves on everything? I see this has been what is happening all these years, and people usually don’t care. The whole issue is like a fobidden taboo, a pimple that you wanted to hide but not matter what you do, everyone sees. Now you wanted to remove is gruesome acne but unfortunately it is clearly becoming a scar. A scar that will never be removed for life, yeah, that’s what it is.

My view about sex is this – it is only satisfying while it still lasts.

Difficulties

I realize, if ‘ll go all over to my usual complaint of having a life either miserably impotent or indescibably hectic, this entry will be like all other entries I have entered before. This is getting so boring right now. So I must change.

I find it hard to manage my time. I don’t even try planning. All the details of my everyday mingling and everyday experiencing are all come-what-may-whatever-comes-will-come. And I think I should be learning something right now while these become part of my per-minute regretful mistakes. This is a lesson I have to inculcate before I get stomped: take time to plan TIME.

This is my first rant of the day, and while I was staring at my two friends kissing each other right in front of me in a public place in this sunny afternoon, I try to convince my self oall the task that I am supposed of doing for the next hours will be not that heavy.. Of course it’s not that hard to imagine.

Something to say after a long day

Oh yeah, I found a good rhyme for the title. I was thinking of composing a really really good journal to at least compensate the days that I was not able to put on things here. But I just lost the thought.

Whatever, I guess it’s easier to tell whatevr I wanted to.. 

 

But I can’t even say what I feel…

 

I guess I have to go to my extremes so that Ic an let it all out, through wrtin “{  

Bummer

I just have to express the anxieties that I’m having. First, the decision of letting all the people know this inspite of it being personal does not affect me much. Since this is cyberspace, I expect almost all who have access on the net will be able to see or discover anything that is in here.

And before anything else, I just wanted to say that I never intended to hurt anybody. I just want to say the things I cannot or may not say. Just use this as your future reference just in case there is something you want to know about me.

Alright, so first, I just wanted all you guys to know that it doesn’t matter if people judge me JUST from the way I talk, I act or I move. I even want to say I highly appreciate the fact that I catch the hell of your attention. What I’m pissed off with, is when someone judges me, when that person does not even know me personally. I will give you all the right in the world to say whatever you want if you’ve been with me half or my life or if you are close enough that you’re almost sure that I am what you’re talking. But if you’re not qualified, you will never, in anyway, be a distraction  in my life. If you gain my trust you might have a nitch over everybody else and I can tell you my life and everything you just want to know.

Next, I just want to say GET REAL to those people who think that ALL people are like them. No, we’re not like you as you wanted us to be. All in all, we are all separate unique individuals who have seperate unique characterisctics that should be respected. And for you to gain my respect, you my first impose it to yourself.  

Next, I just felt like I am in the stage of my life earlier than I be. I could have enjoyed my youth once and for all, I could have been with my friends hanging ourand partying. But no, I am not your average teenie bummer.

I get good burns everytime. SO what? I’ve been getting that since I was a child. The hell I care. You know what, I’ll live my life the way I want the way I like and the way I choose. I basically don’t care what others has to say. Just that.

working doesn’t seem like working

That explains it all. Haha I’ll post a longer one after we do our activity

Liking (Licking?)

Lately I have been very busy I almost forgot that I have another life here in the mytified world of cyberspace. Long since I stayed in front of my godamn slow computer for hours. The longest I stayed at my seat of cyber expunding during the two weeks of my being busy is just uhm, thirty minutes?

I don’t know. I seem to not have a problem these days, except that I thought I am being more self-centered right now, which is, either good or bad. And except for the time management that I definitely do not have a sense of, it’s pretty much good living a life that a. you like and b. you love.

I feel so good I still have what we call the “talent” for writing. As first I thought I’m not gonna be spontaneous writing anything, cause I haven’t really read anything. Or even watched anything (Sensible). I tried to watch Ocean’s Eleven but I got sleepy the moment I saw Julia Roberts.

MY point is, it’s good that while I’m trying to live a new life, apparently not new but, okay, different life, I am still capable of doing the things I do normally in the past nineteen years of my life.

And I realize, this one’s not making me tired. That’s a manifestation of me liking what I do.

 

I am YOU

Well, that is the way it goes. You watch a movie; you become either the villain or the victim. Either way, you will become the movie. You create your own cave of imaginations. You will make your own power animal. You are jack’s hopeless creature. You are jack’s sophisticated mammal.

 

Every scenario of your hard-lived world is a puzzle of different inconsistently shaped broken glass. No one has to paste every piece to become one. You cannot do that because you are problematic. You are genius yet dumb, that is why. You fix anyone’s rants, you can’t even acknowledge yours.

 

I am just like a great movie. No matter how great it is, everybody leaves. I am Jack’s frustrated brain cell. I am Jack’s improved skinny jeans.  Someday, I wish, everyone will be equal among each other’s eyes, among each other’s judgmental eyes. We are the body we live, but we are not the self we want to be.

 

I am jack’s inferior shitbag. I am a pain in the ass. I am your literal; shit. It’s so delicious getting over it. You fell relieved flushing it, but like shit, I keep on coming back.

 

I am every meal you eat. I am every food you swallow. That pig that was slaughtered with sheer pain and with an inadequate satisfaction from whoever who kills. It would have been such a joy killing. It must have been fun eating that pig, raw and pink.

 

I am every orgasm you reach. I am every juice you squirt. I am the one you fantasize every night with your close yet naked eyes.

 

I am not the money in your pocket.

 

But I am the hand infectiously stealing some other’s wealth just to get away from poverty.

 

I am jack’s tired body.

 

responsibility

We are the President’s fools – a statement that is so embarrassingly right we would want to have so many excuses just to be escapists from this fact. But once we take that on point, there’s another question coming: What shall we do to make this wrong right?

 

          Journalists, with our stand to hold the grip of neutrality, had ironically been voicing out their personal opinions whether in dire with their professional work or indirectly, satisfying the code of ethics that I personally think is a hindrance to writing’s most basic root of cause – freedom of self expression.

          That is why I often hesitate tackling national issues. It might cross the bridge of doubt if I will tell the people what they really want to hear or I shall take all the blemishes of being bipartisan away and stay neutral, which doesn’t help at all since one of Media’s major role is to become the people’s mouthpiece.   

But this is the least I can do to help, or more professionally, to inform. And journalists, without even violating the rules and regulations that should be abided, should also participate to the call for change. I have seen some writers convictiously flaunting their strong stand on national issues and I don’t see any violation to that.         

I have seen some forcefully injecting to the minds of other people that instead of clinging on to the symphatizing tactic of the present Administration they must defy and deviate from the existing norm that it is okay to follow the old paradigm the present time offers.  Even one of the leading television networks in our country, I believe, is clandestinely being partial on issues concerning their target citizens.   

           If we shall take full responsibility to our mistakes we might have a chance of changing for the best. But we are still in the system of realizing these. But haven’t we? Most surveys say most do not trust the one who’s currently in power, yet until now we would let her stay, yet until now our jaws are glued on televisions taking the Senate investigation as a telenovela rather than a provoking arena of abrupt action.

Pursuit of Happiness

IS the movie I am very eager to watch.

I took some time off from my busy schedule and atleast browse on what’s currently on the main boobtube. My time is spent just to find out that nothing that important is happening in the world. Or nothing that I saw is much important to be cared about by me.

And so I did not mind the Kardashans showing some nude in cable TV or Blue Collar TV at JAck TV not making me laugh at all because it’s all soo boring but I watched them nevertheless. Even America’s Next Top Model or video of Mariah Carey’s touch my body being shown million times during the day did not affect my whole system of just being a couch potato for a while and enjoy myself some me. I did not mind them all.

I skipped the channels from the show that I’m on at this time to another (whether I dislike them orI just liked the other show on the other channel more) and I say snippets of Will Smith’s Pursuit of Happiness. The first time I saw it I knew that it’s an inspirational story but I never though this will be THIS moving, having watched some minutes of it from HBO primetime.

Unfortunately I did not able to start nor finish the movie but I hope I can rent or but a DVD of it somewhere.   

You can see more on my pages

Yay! For the first time I have put my wordpress site into good use. Although I registered myself into hundreds more blogsite, this, along my blogger and friendster blogs, is the blogsite that I’ll update the most.

I am having several problems with blogger. And although I think blogger is more shiek since it provides freedom so design your page in whichever ways you wanted (you need to have a good knowledge of HTML okay), I still have to go to wordpress and now I decide that I’ll update it more than my other blogsites.

I don’t want to put so much on my homepage so some of my insights can be found on my pages (opinion, rants and raves, music).

 I hope you can write some comments too!

Just recently, I decided to religiously upadate my modern diary. During the past, I wasn’t able to maintain updating my blogsites. I have been busy since the day that I came back as a DAWN writer.

And, it will be a lot easier for me to browse my online shock reliever, just because my computer’s internet connection finally came back! All is  well that ends well.

 Ta-da

Like and Love

Vaguely one can identify what is to be identified with these two almost undistinct terms. As far as I am concerned, the latter’s conviction is deeper than the first, and that the first could be attained without the other. The latter however would never exist without feeling the first. They happen to be two terms living together.

But, would these statements probably be true? YOu be the judge

____ 

In front of the person you like, your
heart
beats faster
*But in front of the person you love,
you get
happy.

*In front of the person you love,
winter seems
like spring.
*But in front of the person you like,
winter is
just beautiful winter.

*If you look into the eyes of the one
you like,
you blush.
*But if you look into the eyes of the
one you
love, you smile.

*In front of the person you like, you
can’t say
everything on your
mind.
*But in front of the person you love,
you can.

*In front of the person you like, you
tend to
get shy.
*But in front of the person you love,
you can
show your own self.

*You can’t look straight into the eyes
of the
one you like.
*But you can always smile into the
eyes of the
one you love.

*But when the one you like is crying,
you end up
comforting.
*When the one you love is crying, you
cry with
them.

*The feeling of like starts from the
ear.
*But the feeling of love starts from
the eye.

*So if you stop liking a person you
used to
like, all you need to do is
cover
your ears.

*But if you try to close your eyes,
love turns
into a drop of tear and
remains in your heart forever …